A Stepmother's Journey-Dealing with Greed

As a stepmother you will deal with greed many times and in many different ways. In our situation we have a birthmother who cares more about money than she does her own children. She is very spoiled, entitled and used to getting her own way. She doesn't care who she hurts in the process (be it her kids or any child, her family ect.) Her friends have finally begun to notice who she truly is and really at this point she only has one. Her mom and dad just got remarried so they pay for pretty much everything. She lives a high maintenance lifestyle and will do anything to keep it that way.

After our last court hearing the judge forgot to include my husband and my daughter as a hardship deduction. Instead of helping us correct the mistake, Holly said she would only if we agreed to put Aaron, the middle son on ADHD meds. He doesn't need them, she just likes him being a zombie so she doesn't have to deal with his extra energy. Who in their right mind basically blackmails you with a child? It is sick, nauseating and just plain dumbfounding.

This photo is just one example of the kind of thing that goes on at the ex's house. Every time she calls while the kids are with us she tells the boys about all the stuff she is going to buy them and and the "fun" stuff they are going to do when the boys return. She knows they love staying with us, and it pisses her off so much.

So the ex's husband works under the table, plus he has a car, a truck and a travel trailer. O and did I mention he bought a city bus to turn into a motor home while he apparently has "no job or money."

And then Holly got a vehicle in the divorce plus her dad gave her a car straight up no strings attached. So all together they have 4 cars, a city bus and a travel trailer. Yet they are on food stamps and state medical, plus school funds for Holly, and live rent free in her mom's house. Two babby daddies support her with child support and who knows what other under the table money she is getting. It really isn't about the money though, even though it pisses me off, it's about how they are lying and taking place in fraud to get this money, and how the result takes the food, clothes and opportunities away from my girls who didn't do anything wrong and don't deserve one bit of the way they are being treated by that family (Holly and her mom...and Diane the fake aunt).

Don't get me wrong I'm glad my stepsons are financially taken care of so well, but then I have every right to be upset that things aren't fair for my two little ones. Holly has talked trash about my own kids. Are you fucking kidding me? They are just innocent little girls and deserve just as much as everyone else. Right now my youngest is running around in shoes with the front duct taped because they have holes in them. We can't afford another pair because we just bought plane tickets to see my stepsons. She sends the boys with trashy clothes, holes, stains ect. I know they have nice clothes but why they come with crap clothes I don't know. Maybe she thinks we will buy them new stuff. One year we tried to buy them school clothes, shoes and some school supplies. She took the clothes back because she didn't think they were appropriate (one had a skull design on it). She took the shoes back but didn't give a reason. She took the backpacks back because they were from Wal-Mart and I guess Wal-Mart is too cheap for her taste. So we no longer buy them things or big presents because they will just be taken back so she can get the cash. And she has the nerve to call us deadbeats.

This past summer was the longest time the boys got to spend with us. Mom is such a control freak though she demanded a welfare check in the middle of their visit. So this woman on food stamps and all this welfare and other people's money took the kids to universal studios, stayed in a hotel and basically had a nice vacation with the 2 younger boys. The older one didn't even want to go, he wanted to stay and spend time with me and his dad and his oldest brother. I'm so glad the boys had a great time....but hey I'd like to take my girls to Disneyworld for the first time in their lives instead of paying for your manicure and many hair cut/dye jobs.

Glad my stepsons are having a nice time but who paid for this trip I wonder?

I know you can't buy alcohol with food stamps...so where is the beer money coming from since neither of them work?

Prentice Powell Performs 'Good Father'

This man so eloquently speaks of the pain and suffering we who are separated from our children experience. This is our lives everyday. Painful is it not?

Thanksgiving 2013

We had a great Thanksgiving!

 We were hoping to go up to see the boys, at least for a day or two since we didn't see them last year. It was our year, but we were still living in SC and couldn't afford the $5000s in plane tickets to see them. Even because of that, do we get a little time with the boys this year? Nope. Not only that, Hubby requested a call, day before Thanksgiving, nothing. Thanksgiving comes around...nothing. They didn't even pick up the phone. I got about 5 calls from extended family and my husband's ex sister-in-law even wished us a Happy Thanksgiving. Hubby let the ex let know he wouldn't be available day after Thanksgiving so we (the girls included) would really like to talk to the boys for the Holiday. So what does she do? She has the boys call on the day after Thanksgiving. HE WAS ON DUTY!!!! Let me break it down for the less educated...duty means you can't be on your phone, social media ect. because he has an important job dealing with sensitive government material. Either there is some complete stupidity in this situation or clear manipulation and an attempt to completely isolate our family from the kid's lives. Episodes like this scream Parental Alienation.

So anyway there was that sadness deep inside that was missing the boys, but we still had an absolute wonderful Thanksgiving. I love that my family is so close, we can do stuff together so much more. My mom has taught all 8 of us to cook so there is never a shortage of deliciousness.

Here we have green bean casserole (I made), rolls, sweet potato casserole, ham, turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, sausage stuffing, and an apple/grape/apricot salad. And in the cups in the front there is a delicious coffee my brother makes. He has perfected the perfect cup of coffee. I know he uses a French press but other than that I can't give his secrets away hehe!

And at the drink table we had orange/lime water, tea and peach tea. My brother and sister have funny looks on the faces!

The token "kids" table at Thanksgivings.

Its cute that my oldest kid and my youngest brother are only a few months apart. They are really, really close.

 

I wish I had taken a pic of dessert, but I was so full I couldn't get up! We had a pumpkin pie made by my 13 yr old sister (Isn't it cool she can make stuff like that at such as a young age?) Pecan pie, a peach cobbler, a sour cream bundt cake (made by me) Ice cream and homemade whipping cream. (Yeah that yummy fluffy, light cream, way better than Redi-whip)

 

 

 

Sour Cream Bundt Cake

(Recipe coming soon!)

 

The men/boys went out and played bocci ball and threw a football around. The girls chatted and cleaned up some.

 

My brother set my little brother on top of a bush. So funny!!

 

 Look at that gorgeous background at my parents place!

(I'll do a fashion post on my outfit soon)

 

 

 And a gorgeous family too, if I do say so myself!

 

 

 I love us. Our weirdness makes us perfect for each other!

True Love!





Our Blended Family

 

 

Today is National Stepfamily Day. It's a day for blended families to celebrate each other. What is a blended family? It's a family consisting of a couple and their children from this and all previous relationships. Our family is very special. As I'm sure you've noticed, the title of my blog is Yours, Mine and Ours. (By the way that's a good, old family movie, you should watch it sometime). I named it this because we have my husband's 4 boys from his previous marriage, my daughter from my previous marriage and we have a daughter together. See?...Yours, Mine and Ours!

 

Having a blended family is not always easy. Especially for a stepmom. There is already that bad stereotype, like you know, in Cinderella? And then you have to deal with difficult people who are jealous you are with their ex, or jealous you get to spend time with "their" kids or even just mad that you are happy. The worst is when you are stuck with a birth mom who won't acknowledge you exist which makes it impossible to parent the kids in the best way possible. It really hurts the kids when a mom does that. Or in a situation, where your step kids are told lies about you, and constantly have to listen to trash talk about you.

 

 

 

Thankfully, my boys know ME, know how I act, know how I treat them and most importantly know the TRUTH. No trash talking, or lies, or threats will ever be able to break the special bond I've developed with our boys. Sadly, the goodbyes get harder and harder every time, as we learn more about each other and our love grows.

 

 

 

I do want to take a minute to thank my husband's ex-wife. Wait...what? Thank her? Yep, that's right, thank her for several reasons.

 

Thank you for divorcing your husband so I could have a Prince in cammies.

Thank you for letting this hardworking, faithful man slip away and fall into my arms.

Because of this, we have the most beautiful, smart little girl together.

Thanks for giving birth to 3 amazing little boys.

I didn't have to go through the pain of labor but get to take part in the joys of their lives.

Thanks for letting me have the pleasure of teaching Aaron how to cook.

Thanks for letting me have the pleasure of teaching Josiah how to clean up.

Thanks for letting me have the pleasure of teaching Conner life lessons.

Most of all thank you for showing me exactly the kind of person I never want to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 



Parental Alienation

This is not the type of post I usually put on this blog,  but this is something we are dealing with right now. I've done hours of research on this topic and didn't want to let it go to waste. Its a long read but hopefully it will help someone in a similar situation as ours. (By the way I got an "A" on this paper in my Advanced Comp class) Woot woot! I'll have another post coming soon that will tell our story.

The Effects of Parental Alienation on Children of Divorce

 

     What is Parental Alienation? Probably not a term most people have heard unless they have

dealt with a nasty custody battle. After a divorce, when one parent seeks to keep his or her child

or children from the other parent by any means necessary, it is called parental alienation.

Parental Alienation Syndrome or PAS can also be described as brainwashing a child into

thinking one parent is good and one is bad. This behaviour is detrimental to a child and some

consider it abuse. It must be recognized by all as abuse, punished and stopped before any more

children are hurt. Despite opposition, PA cannot be allowed to continue for the sake of children

everywhere.

     Michael Bone and Michael Walsh, in an article written for the Florida Bar Journal, give four

main criteria to use in detecting PAS. One or all of these criteria may be present. Criteria one

involves blocking the child from access to the absent parent. This may involve restricting phone

time, intercepting mail, taking away gifts sent to the child or more. In court the guilty party may

argue that they are a better parent, have better parental judgement and visiting the absent parent

upsets the children or they have a hard time adjusting when they come home. Criteria two involves

false allegations. These are most commonly allegations of abuse, especially sexual abuse. An

alienating parent may also accuse the other parent of emotional abuse, this is usually over a simple

parenting disagreement. For example, one parent may let the child stay up late once or twice and the

alienating parent says this is detrimental to the child’s health. Criteria three involves a decline in

relationship between child and alienated parent after the divorce. If there was a good relationship

prior to separation, and it suddenly declines this is a sure sign. A healthy parent/child relationship

does not just change on its own unless it is attacked. Criteria four involves a fear reaction by the

child. The alienating parent may “punish” the child for talking favourably about the absent parent or

expressing excitement about visitation with the absent parent. The parent may also shut the child up if

they want to talk about fun things they did at absent parent’s house. Contrarily, the alienating parent

will be all ears if the child has something negative to say about the other parent. Over a fairly short

amount of time the child may start to show fear of visiting the absent parent and/or say only negative

things about them (Bone and Walsh 44).

     If a child is subject to PA, the alienating parent should immediately be punished. It isn’t always

that easy though. There are only a few cases where PA is punished. This is because there is

some major opposition. While many experts have proven the existence of PA, the American

Psychology Association refuses to classify it as a mental disorder or even acknowledge it in their

manual of mental illnesses. They believe it is a relationship issue and not a “Syndrome” or

 illness. A major argument against recognizing PAS in courts is the fact that an abusive parent

will sometimes accuse the other parent of PA to take the attention off his or her abusive

 behaviour. David Cary, in an article in the Boston Globe, includes a quote from the National

Organization of Women, ‘‘The truth is that parental alienation really is a dangerous and cleverly

marketed legal strategy that has caused much harm to victims of abuse.’’ Not all women feel this

way, but since most of the perpetrators of PA are women, many of them do. Another argument is

 that proving PA in court is not financially worth it since attorneys can charge more billable

hours, and an expert witness has to be paid as well. If PA is recognized as a crime it opens the

 door for false allegations and/or punishing the innocent, as with any crime.

    We must realize, however, that PA is extremely detrimental to a child and some consider it

 abuse. “Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct

and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood.” (Bones and Wash 44) Anna

Lavadera, Stefano Ferrcuti and Marisa Togliatti, professors at the University of Rome, in Italy,

 did a study on how PAS affected children. They studied 12 psychological reports where PAS had

been diagnosed. They also studied 12 reports where there was no PAS diagnosis. Their results

 found that the alienating parent was always the one who had the most custody. They also found

that the children diagnosed with PAS had identity problems and showed manipulative tendencies

 (Lavadara, Ferracuti and Togliatti 1) Amy Baker and Naomi Ben-Ami did a study on 118 adults

who had been children of divorce. Those who had been subjected to alienation strategies were

 found to have lower self-esteem, higher rates of depression, insecure attachments and in some a

higher rate of alcohol abuse (Baker and Ben-Ami 1). They also found that parents who

 constantly made negative remarks to the child about the targeted parent lowered the child’s self-

esteem dramatically. The child translated these negative remarks into the idea that if one parent

 is bad, he or she must be half bad because they were half of their parent (Baker and Ben-Ami 3).

Many alienating parents or even divorced parents make nasty remarks about the other parent

 thinking they may turn the child against the other parent. In reality, all they are doing is tearing

that child down.

     One would think after hearing the effects of PA, people would take it more seriously The

problem of PAS is a hard one to solve since some professionals deny it even exists. The first step

in helping the victims of PA would be to have it recognized as a clear form of child abuse. Once

it has been established as a real problem by both psychologists and legal professionals alike, it

 will be easier to diagnose and then prove in court. Brainwashing happens over time, so early

diagnosis of PA is important. Immediate judicial action can then stop it in its tracks. Some may

 think 50/50 custody is the only solution needed. While equal custody is the right idea and should

be implemented, alone, it is not likely to stop the alienating parent from their actions. There

 needs to be consequences enforced as well. “It is our feeling that when attempted PA has been

identified, successful or not, it will contaminate and quietly control all other parenting issues and

 then lead only to unhappiness, frustration and, lastly, parental estrangement.” (Bones and Walsh

44) PA and bona fide abuse must also be differentiated from each other. A good indicator of Pa

 versus abuse is to take a look at how the parents respond to bringing in a neutral examiner. A

parent who is guilty of PA will usually be unwilling to cooperate; the same with  a truly abusive

 parent. One difference between the two, however, is that an Alienator will be willing to bring in

their own examiner who has only had a chance to speak with them and not the other parent. An

 abusive parent will be unwilling for any examiner to be brought in for fear their abusive

behaviour may be found out. (Gardner 100)

      It must be concluded that first of all, Parental Alienation is a serious matter; it needs to be

recognized as a genuine syndrome, and the perpetrator swiftly punished for his or her crime. PA

 causes devastating effects on children and their alienated parent, and while there is a margin for

error in diagnosing or convicting, the harmful effects simply outweigh everything else.

  

Works Cited

Ben-Ami, Naomi, and L. "The Long-Term Correlates Of Childhood Exposure To Parental        Alienation On Adult Self-Sufficiency And Well-Being." American Journal Of Family Therapy 40.2 (2012): 169-183. CINAHL Plus with Full Text. Web. 21 July 2013.

Bone, Michael J., and Walsh, Michael R. “Parental Alienation Syndrome: How to Detect It and What to Do About It.” The Florida Bar Journal Vol. 73 (1999): pg. 44-48. Web. 20 July 2013

Crary, David. “Psychiatric Group: Parental Alienation no disorder” Boston.com, 21 September 2012. Web. 31 July 2013

Gardner, Richard A. "Differentiating Between Parental Alienation Syndrome And Bona Fide Abuse-Neglect." American Journal Of Family Therapy 27.2 (1999): 97. Psychology and Behavioral Sciences Collection. Web. 3 Aug. 2013.

 Lavadera Lubrano, Anna, and Ferracuti, Stefano, and Malagoli Togliatti, Marisa, Parental Alienation Syndrome in Italian legal judgments: An exploratory study, International Journal of Law and Psychiatry, Volume 35, Issue 4, July–August 2012, Pages 334-342, ISSN 0160-2527

Lowenstein, Ludwig F. "Attachment Theory And Parental Alienation." Journal Of Divorce & Remarriage 51.3 (2010): 157-168. SocINDEX with Full Text. Web. 20 July 2013.

Morrison, SL et al. "Parental Alienation, DSM-V, And ICD-11." American Journal Of Family     Therapy 38.2 (2010): 76-187. CINAHL Plus with Full Text. Web. 21 July 2013.